29 February 2020

it is well

Big gap. Couldn’t sleep. 
Just went with it. 
Can’t do anything about it 
At 1 am, anyways. 

The camera ears first. 

The camera was hungry! 

So am I! 
For adventure. 
I’ve redone my budget
100 times. 
It’s expensive to vacation. 
The worst part is having
Money saved up for time off. 
My vacations are not paid. 

The sister took this
And ran it through a Fatty Filter. 
And I almost started crying. 
I know I don’t look like this. 
But in my mind, I still do. 

So my buddy (my patient)
Is finally done (for now)
With his anger phase. 
(More like a Fuck You phase!)
And no longer does the opposite
Of everything I ask. 

Regardless of the reason 
why he did it,
I’m mortified at how I responded. 
I specialize in difficult situations. 
Up till now. 

I have some reasons
To ponder:
My living situation is hard. 
My work situation is “unfair.”
The economy is hard. 
It’s hard to save money. 
I’m not in top shape. 
Nursing is getting worse-
Not better.

I’m exploring options with my coach. 
No answers yet. 
Just “Ponderings.” 

28 February 2020

17 weeks

Spring is almost here 
It’s cool in the mornings. 

Trump is almost gone. 

One month of total abstinence 
And no craving at all. 
That awesome, handmade,
Fried Naan. 

I think I’ve got this sleep thing down. 

Last evening was perfect. 
No screaming. 
No gagging. 
No nothing! 
I would have bet my life savings
It was volitional. 
And I would have been right. 
I’m tired. 
I’m so fucking tired. 
I wake up tired. 
I dread going to work. 
Sorry, Dude. 
Too little - too late. 

27 February 2020

6 days

Ahhhh sleep 

Ahhhh food 

Ahhhh $100 off a raft trip!

Dang sun had to come out. 

I waited for a year for this. 
Got to work, the Boy said
So I figured he either sprang a leak-
Or he was saying “sorry.”
He was. He was humble. 

We’ve got so much work to do. 
Let’s begin! 
First- to undo the damage. 
That’s the hard part. 
Then to mend and grow. 

26 February 2020

back in then out

I’m finding there is little correlation 
Between sleeping pulse
And perception of a 
A good nights sleep. 

Rain helps more than anything. 

Spinach Dip. 
Adds crunch. 

I’m preparing for a dry fast
Like some Bloggers prep for a race. 
This will be like a Marathon. 
More to come. 

In my career, 
I now must admit
I’ve met my match. 

This little boy will hold his breath 
Until he passes out-
If I tell him to breathe. 

He will make himself hyperventilate 
If I try to get him to 
Slow his breathing down. 

He is fearless and careless 
And has taken back his control 
In the only way he can. 

By peeing all over the nurses. 
And painting his poop 
All over the walls. 

He screams and hollers
When it’s time to sleep. 
And sleeps all through school. 

He has no idea how dangerous 
His behavior is. 
And he doesn’t care. 

He just doesn’t care. 
So to keep him from 
destroying himself 
Out of pure defiance and spite-
We have dropped down to a 
Lower level of care-
With no pushing. 
No coaxing. 

After he hit me in the nose
The other day-
I knew I had to do something. 

The bad broody kid. 
GoodWill Hunting. 

Can I invest my energy and time
And let go of the outcome 
Almost completely? 

That is the question. 

25 February 2020


I’m damn near 60
And I have the mentation 
Of a pissed off 12 year old. 
I want what I want when I want it. 
And fuck the person who says no. 
Then I pay the price and regret it. 

I wanted a few fries. 
Really - just a few. 
The cravings hit - hard! 
I was up 3 pounds. 
My healed pancreas 
Loves to do its job
And store any glucose 
I foolishly give it. 

Even the cats know better
Until we domesticate them. 
Then, they’re just as stupid
 as we are. 

My face looking at food. 

Pete’s face talking about work. 
What a nice guy. 
I’m not that nice! 

24 February 2020

hbd cake

The Sister had a birthday, 
And the family brought me a treat. 
Halal BBQ. 

And yes. There was cake. 
And yes. I had a 2x2 square. 
And yes. I had an instant headache. 
And a stall. 
The carbs make ya hold water. 

Every time I have a glass of wine 
After work, it just makes me ill. 
The littlest glass. 
It’s like I’ve developed an allergy. 
Probably also I’m a little low on water. 

I can’t imagine how I ever drank 
Up to a bottle a night. 
I get up so early - 
Yes he “wake up” effect of drinking. 

I bet my HDL goes down. 
It was once as high as 150. 
Mostly 100 - 120 range now. 
It dropped when I broke my leg. 
The body uses it in times of need. 

23 February 2020

rationing life

This is funny. 
I slept like a log. 
On weekends, 
I work 15 hours. 
So I’m super tired. 

Gym starts this week! 
In the hopes of getting better sleep. 
My job is largely sedentary 
With bursts of activity. 

A makeshift office 
In a corner of a room. 
Pretty typical Home Health. 

So I finally read
- And followed -
The instructions on the package 
Of Starbucks Covefe.
Turns out, I love it. 
For 30 years, I hated it. 

I just wasn’t using the right amount 
To even taste it. 
Much less enjoy it. 

Until I was 40,
I avoided vacations. 
Now, I love them. 
Obviously. Lol. 

I love sleep. I sleep perfect now. 

I love my day off! 
Do with me what you will. 
But my one day off is mine. 

The power of walking away. 
After I got punched in the nose,
Just the other day, 
My Mind said “That’s it! Enough!”
And I realized (again)
That I don’t need anything 
- Or anyone - 
Bad enough to grovel on the floor. 

I look at this now,
And it’s calm. 
Like a still frame. 

Fun with filters. 

So the last little thread
Or remnant- is now stitched. 
I love my case. 
But I’m not anyone’s 
Whipping Boy. 
BabySitter. Etc. 

I taught this child 
How to read/write. 
If he won’t use it- 
That’s his choice. 
We can’t make him want to do better. 
Not everyone is Helen Keller 
And ready to come out. 

And I’m not a good candidate 
To endure the years of transition 
To get him from Point A
To Point B- and beyond. 
If he won’t participate 
In his own recovery. 

I once had a BFF who 
Had a brother on street drugs. 
She said her brother
“Just wasn’t motivated.”
Well- he was super motivated. 
Just not toward HER goals. 

And that is the difference. 

22 February 2020

calm down girl

I love sleep now that I quit wine. 
Who woulda thunk it. 

Salami Salami Bologna. 
Kerry Gold Sliced Cheese.

I love Pine Pollen. 
It’s like the Ultimate 
Fasting Companion. 
Once you get past the taste. 
It tastes like Pier One smells. 
I should say that
I love the effects. Lol. 

A view to look forward to. 
On a work calendar. 

These are for rent 
For $80 a night. 
It’s an old, unused Ranger Tower. 
They once used these for for lookouts. 
Now they use drones. 

However- there’s a mile hike 
From the parking area to the outpost. 
That- with gear- I can not do. 

Since I changed dates for the raft ride,
I will now be camping almost 
Under the New Moon. 
3% illumination. 

According to locals
(Who would know)
The train runs parallel to the river. 

And it’s customary 
For the campers to moon the train! 
So there will be some moon
At any rate. 

Frustrating traffic. 
Any hour of the day
It’s always there. 


Two Nurses were talking 
at the bedside of the boy. 
“Do you think he’s 
awake in there?
I mean- is he alive?
Does he understand?”

The other nurse said NO. 
She had her doubts. 
After all, all he does is grunt
When he’s mad. 
And he’s always mad. 

The boy lost it. 
Of course he’s awake 
In there!

But he saw for the first time 
That he’s being misunderstood 
By family and nurses
And doctors and mom and dad
And everyone! 

I’ve got him at middle school
High school age. 
It’s like he had a 5 year coma. 
And now he’s out of it. 

So I told him to roll over, 
During morning care. 
And he punched me 
In the nose. 
Dead on. 
Perfect aim 

Man- I lost it! 
I dressed him down
-nicely, of course-
But firmly and directly. 

It’s hard to tell sick kids “No!”
But I did. 

We’ll see if this is the break
I’ve been looking for!