31 May 2010

then and now

June 09: size 2x and 3x  [archive link]

May 10: size med (almost a small!)
The much - promised comparison shot!

June 09  [archive link]
(again with the 44's??)

Like settling into to a new apartment,
I am "settling in" to my "new" body....
A few improvements here - adornments there....

We all learn as we go
We all do the best we can
It's always a journey of adjustments.

What I thought would make me happy - 
didn't. I can't even fool myself any more.
Much less any one else.

I am trying to be gentle and patient with myself,
As I learn what works and what doesn't work.
Forgiving, but not indulgent.
I would be gentle, loving and patient with you, 
And I am, more so than with myself right now.
But I am learning that, too.

Every pound is a thousand days of self-loathing,
And hate and fear of getting too close...
Every pound on, and every pound off.
Pounds can not define us,
Or join us, or keep us apart.

Thank you for reading !

Sick in bed with some kind of flu vs cold
Hot tea and the like all day....
A few bites here and there - no actual meal
I'm miserable, actually.
Just in case you wondered.
Nurses make the worst patients.
This can't be right - can it?

Hope your day is going well!
No need for everyone to be miserable, eh?

30 May 2010

country day

A team of mules greeted us

I took this Urban Grandmother to visit in the country

No one would go in the hen house but me
(too chicken?)

They make little sounds before they attack, I'm told....

Coup de Grace for eggs

A Donkey BBQ
(...what my mother used to call an ass chewing)

Horsing around

Yo - 'sup?


Bambi - Noooooo!

This real-live Cowboy... I had to break his heart -
he was making puppy dog eyes at me....

Another day ends in the rumination that is my life

Monster and Brisket at home
Salad and chicken away
Cream cheese with blueberry chipotle sauce
Whipping cream and coffee
Meat and Cheese platter
Probably turkey because I almost passed out...
It's been awhile since that's happened.
I'm allergic to turkey and am usually more careful.

The title of the post came from....can you guess?
The Tragically Hip song, of course!


It looks like bread, but it is brisket.
⚡which is a type of meat, like roast; but bbq'd⚡

Came from here

Which was next to this disturbingly named place

Not my flag but I'll wrap up in it none the less

Egg White Protein from Egg Whites International
With some eggnog -type spices...

Monster LoCarb Energy Drink w/protein
Carbonated water
This plate of brisket w/ sf bbq
Bite or two of Greek Yogurt w/ Advil
Coffee with cream
Hot tea with no cream, no sweetener
Egg White protein drink

When I get upset I don't binge -
When I get upset I don't eat at all.
So I suspect I'll be fine in that regard.
That was humour, by the way.

I don't abstain from food intentionally
It's more like "food insomnia...."
I can't eat, I can't sleep, so instead of fighting it
I have learned to sit quietly and let it pass.
... or not.... 

29 May 2010

3 days grace

Getting these guys in a row....(and gals)
Ducks in a row, eh?

A new protein drink-  XAPP that is like mine
when I mix Monster Energy drink with protein mix.
(I like mines better, though)

These ladies all look so happy in their size 11 and size 6 underwears

Brisket with SF BBQ sauce (bear creek brand) (link)

A long 3 day week-end. What a rare treat!
Time to clean up after the whirl-wind of activity that was last week.
A major hospice closed, and a few hundred patients had to be absorbed into the system.
Every hospice nurse in town was scrambling like Florence Nightingale.
In the Crimean War.

Went to bed early yesterday - like 1pm!
I told a friend about my new plans for my blogging.
She said "It's about time!" Several of them said the same thing. 
It was pretty unanimous and enthusiastic! (Who knew?)
My friends in real life don't like my blog, or people who blog.

All this talking about being immured, and all.
Like I've said many times....from morbid obesity to just "morbid!"
So this is what it feels like to be a fool and an idiot.
You would think I would be all-too-familiar with the concept.
Actually, I'm kinda new to it all....and learning what it means.

I have no hope, not even for closure. And that's ok.
On the other hand, no animosity. No reaction-formation here.
Just the balance I had been looking for.
"It will be Just like like starting over."
It finally came to me.
Maybe I can keep the change this time!

Monster with protein
bbq brisket
Snack pack of peanuts
Side salad that wasn't very photogenic
Fizzy water from my new machine.
Coffee with cream. Atkins bar.

9,000 to 11,000 steps every day this past week
And now to clean the apartment!
It's rare when you want to do something
AND you have the time and energy!
Guess I'm "in the flow!"

All this productive energy, and not a RedLine to be found!
Maybe the withdrawals are almost over, eh?
Still not quite enough bang left in me to pull an all-nighter, though.
Those days are probably a thing of the past.
Thanks for the comments and emails today.
And thanks for noticing the new header.
I did it myself in Photobucket. It looks ok, yes?

  • Kitchen: done ✔
  • Laundry: sorted, ready to do tomorrow ✔
  • Truck: (inside) done ✔
  • Trash: done ✔
  • Bathroom: done ✔

John Lennon

28 May 2010

best little melt-down in texas

My only job right now.
Controlling the space from "here" to "there."
It's about a foot or less, eh?

Seems sooo easy.
We all know that it's not always as it seems.

I sure do eat my own words this last year.
They sucked going out, and worse coming back to me.

Let's see if I've managed to learn anything at all this last year....
Uh, er, um.......

Low Frustration Tolerance
Poor Impulse Control
Do all Fat People have Eating Disorders?
 Disordered Thinking?
Is it a type of substance abuse?
Negative thinking - projection - ego stuff?
Do all people?

No, I didn't binge...
Or act-out, or any of that...
I just continue to shock myself
With my insights of self-discovery!

It's not about the food. It's not about the special relationships.
For me, it keeps going back to "form and content."

Fear is always a sign of strain, arising whenever what you want conflicts with what you do.
 … You can behave as you think you should, but without entirely wanting to do so. 
This produces consistent behavior, but entails great strain...
The mind and the behavior are out of accord, resulting in a situation 
in which you are doing what you do not wholly want to do ... (from guess what book) 

The basis of  "integrity"  is to be integrated-  in thought, word, and deed...

To see someone (or something) as an "object of desire"  IS  objectionable.....
...The self-delusion that pleasure WITHOUT relating can exist.

All righty, then!
There, that wasn't so bad.
Now back to our regularly scheduled activities....
And thanks to all the kind people who took the time out
yesterday (and most every day) to show me some kindness!
  • Why can't we all just get along?!
  • Fall down X times, stand up Y (Why? Because we like you!)
  • Feel free to add your favourite euphemistic cliche! (I collect them...)

27 May 2010

fiddler on the roof

fit girl on the roof

....another weigh, weigh, weigh off BROAD way
 production (No way!)

"matchmaker, matchmaker" tune
fat burner, fat burner
Fat Burner, Fat Burner, burn off my fat
Burn off my hips, burn off my ass
Night after night alone in my mess,
I want you make me less!

"tradition!" tune

How do we keep our balance?
Nutrition! Nutrition!
(Lots of singing here!   What's not to like?)

"if I were a rich man" tune
if I were a thin man....
Yabba dabba dabba yabba dabba dabba dabba do
All day long I'd "Yabba dabba do!"
Yabba dabba yabba dabba doooo!

I wouldn't have to work out.......
(Again with the yabba dabba do?)

Yes, my Yentl, it is me!  So long ago .... or not so long ago....
It depends on who you ask!
A year is not that long! A year and a few months.

Going here and there
Monster with protein
Coffee with cream
Hamburger with no bun
Atkins bar.....
water from the new Soda Stream
Life is good--
peace and love to everyone!
Only one thing would make it better.
Two things, actually.
Must be the true phase of caffeine withdrawals kicking in.

26 May 2010

holding some water?

Perhaps I AM holding a little water...

It always shows up on the scale....

I bought a Soda Stream (click the link!)
that carbonates water.
It uses an exchangeable CO2 cartridge.
You can also add flavourings!

Sugar-free or unsweetened (or with sugar.)

I also scored this fancy spatula.
I intend to use it the next time I get into a spat...

Look no further - your search for hope is over!

This is a drug and gun free junior high!

Safety cones with hats!
(I couldn't make this up if I wanted to!)

I had to circle back to get this one....

Lunch under a steam roller, baby!

Monster LoCarb Energy Drink w/protein
Water, coffee, Atkins bar,
Double meat hamburger w/bacon (sans-a-bun)
I need to pack a better lunch!

Was not hungry all day.
I ate "food" and that seemed to help with the cravings.
What a concept!
Drinking more water no doubt will help 
to be out in the heat, during these upcoming months....
I'm only glad I'm x pounds thinner!
(x = Fill in the blank!)
In other news...
I told you I was wrong, and I told you I was sorry.
And I've worked to correct my errors. (RedLine etc.)
I'm not over-reacting (ovary - acting?) to things like I did that week.
Again, I can't blame the caffeine entirely.
It merely amplified what was  already in my mind.
(Such as jealousy, rage, projection --all that yikkity yak!)

25 May 2010

phantom of the opera

....fat again like Oprah

In sweets he sang to me, in dreamsicles he came,
That voice which calls to me, and speaks my name
And do I dream again? For now I find
I'm fat again like O-pa-rah - it's there inside my mind.

Eat once again with me, our strange diet
My power over you grows stronger yet
And though you turn from me to glance at your behind
You're fat again like O-pa-rah - it's there inside your mind!
Eat my Angel food cake! Eat for me!

Phantom Of The Opera

Seduced by dreams of forbidden foods.....
Just a bit - what will it hurt?
Who will know?
How irresistible and desirable it seems
when you are hungry.....
Down once more to the dungeons of my dark despair!
And all that....


Monster LoCarb Energy drink w/ protein
Hamburger patty, cashews, no coffee
And an Atkins bar...
Monster Milk brand protein drink - too much protein today...
Wallpaper paste. Finger nails.
Rusty nails, cans, buckets, and lip gloss.
And that lip gloss was something good!