11 February 2011

3 diets and a funeral

Mya Heavy Friend

Born: 1960
Died: 2011

Mya Heavy Friend, of FattyVille, USA, died the other day
in his own home after a long battle against obesity.

Born  in the USA, not so long ago, to Mr and Mrs Heavy-Friend,
Mya was an avid lover of chocolate and french fries. He 
earned a Bachelor's degree in being a Bachelor, and 
in Eating Junk. He was a proud member of the 300 pound club.


Mya Heavy-Friend is survived by his cat, who could have also lost 
a couple of pounds. Just Saying. 
(That was the cat's name - "Just Saying" was the cat's name!) 
The funeral service was private because the parents and family
were really too tired to come all this way for it.
In lieu of flowers, Mya requests a trip to Mc D, and to think of him.
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Britches Chocolate Upside Down Cake
(nee: Devils' Food)

Born: Recently
Died: Too Soon

Britches Chocolate Upside Down Cake went to be with the Lard
last week. She is survived by the Devil's Food family
in Chocolate Town, America.

Britches was a fun loving gal who struggled her whole life
with being Morbid and Obese. She joined the Pounds-Be-Gone
Alter Society in an attempt to find peace, and alterations. She did.
She died after lingering around a bit longer than she actually wanted to,
from complications of Extreme Heaviness.

Funeral services are scheduled next week, after the
Strawberry Picking Festival. Hey - we all have our priorities!
Britches would have wanted it this way!
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Jane Dough
aka: "Be-Foreign Afta"

Born: yesterday
Died: unknown

Jane Dough, of Baker Street, One Pizza Place,
was found in her apartment, after police were called to the scene,
after she hadn't shown up for work for years.
She was "there" but not really "present."

She was a lovely person, and an asset to the work force,
at "The Man" corporate offices, where she worked as a Food Taster
in the cafeteria, at a Yo-Yo Company. Jane won numerous awards for 
"Sticking It To The Man" over many years of loyal service.

Jane got her nickname "Be-Foreign Afta" from the many times 
she went on a so-called-diet and so-called-failed. 
Now her so-called-struggles are so-called-over. 
 Her grand total of life-time weight-loss
muscles in at over 1,000 pounds! 10 pounds on and off again,
for months - times how many years - she never told us!
But I'm guessing it wasn't her first so-called road-eo.

May she rest in piece.
Both her heavy self and her slender self will be laid to rest
today, at the Bi-Gemini Funeral Home. And to think, we all 
thought she was twins! Typical that she got in the last word.

After the funeral service, friends and loved ones
are invited to the All-U-Can Stomach Eat Buffet,
in downtown Suburbia.
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Just for fun - and food for thought!
Hope your day is great!

15 comments:

  1. Mwuah ha ha! This is really funny stuff!
    You must be feeling better. Sooooo glad to hear it!
    So this is what Anne H does with her "down time."
    Why don't you write for tv? You could, you know.
    xoxo

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  2. Jane Dough also had a part time job
    as a Mattress Tester in a mattress company.
    Good work if you can get it, right?

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  3. You have spent far too much time thinking!

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  4. LOLOLOL. This cracked me up, Anne. This was a great way to start off my morning. :) BTW my daughter calls my granddaughter, Jasmine "britches" sometimes. That came from when she would cry and Bethany would tease her out of it by calling her "Fussy Britches." I object and I call her " Nana's Little Princess."

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  5. Seriously......
    Why aren't you sponsored? Someone should grab you up!
    I went back through some of the links on the side-bar.
    Your stuff is as good/better than the most popular weight-loss
    bloggers out there. Just Saying. (heehee)

    Off to work - have a good one!

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  6. LOL... What will a brain on ketones come up with. Too funny! :D

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  7. Heck, darn and yeehaw! You are just such a funny lady!

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  8. See you feeling better! Wahooooooo! Love it.

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  9. Sorry you haven't been feeling well, but damn this was a homerun!

    Ditto CalGirl :)

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  10. Went to be with the Lard....
    Best.Post.Ever!

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  11. This particular damaged myself upward, Anne. İt was a powerful way to get started my early morning. by the way my personal daughter telephone calls my granddaughter, Jasmine "britches" at times. That originated from any time she'd be sad and also Bethany would certainly pry apart the woman's from it by contacting the woman's Fussy Britches.
    Cabbage Soup Diet ideal plan.

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