28 February 2019

back to grinding

Nice and low. 

Nice and also low. 

Nice and short. 
Well, shorter. 

I needed a hair cut. 
I need to get a new style. 

Nice and sausage-y. 

Pete and I had Wings last night. 
We both forgot to take a picture. 
They were good. 
By nothing much to look at. 
So it’s just the same. 

I need to have an extra day off 
Once a month 
For errands and extra things. 

I find the month goes better
If I’m not trying to cram
100 things into each time slot. 

Just because I’m working 
Basically 2 full time jobs
Doesn’t mean my life
Has to be out of control. 

In fact, right now it needs
 to be in much tighter control. 

27 February 2019

dei off

That sudden, unexplainable gain
(Stress, I’m sure) 
Followed by a swoosh!

Wanted chili. 
I’ve had Eggs almost every day
For the month of February. 

Not a challenge or an Egg Fast. 
I just wanted Eggs. 

I did challenge myself 
To not go out for dinner for one month. 
Also no money spent (or drinking) wine. 

I’m happy to say, I accomplished both. 
I have not spent any money 
On going out this whole month. 

Pete brought Pho 
But I mean I didn’t stop and get
A Hamburger on the way home. 
As I sometimes - usually do. 

Up all night being sick. 
I wake up now in the process of throwing up. 

I didn’t even wear my watch
Because I felt too bad 
To walk across the room to get it. 

This migraine thing is not fun. 
I have to use a charting device at work. 
And I keep forgetting to wear my migraine glasses. 

My iPhone has settings I can adjust. 

And now I keep calling everyone “Paul!”
The name of my nephew who died. 

The cat was knocking something off the table. 
And I hollered out “Paul! Stop that!”

Then I sat in a chair and wondered 
“What The F?”

Also, for the record 
Cat Farts are pretty bad. 
Just saying. 
This is Joseph. 
Immediately after the cat fart. 
🙀 lol 

26 February 2019


None shall pass

Egg and Pho

Pho has the color of 
dirty dishwater sometimes. 

Almost a mile. 
Yay, Me!

I’m still processing my deaths. 
But right now I’m in the “anger” phase. 
And I’m pretty angry. 

So I guess that means more walking. 
Or more cowbell. 
Not sure yet. 

25 February 2019


So this is what 10,000 birds 
Sounds like? Loud. 

Just got my nails “did”
Aren’t they pretty? 

Yikes! I look like 
“Whatever Happened To Baby Jane”
Up in here. Up in here. 
Oh- don’t mind me. 
It’s just everything. 

24 February 2019

memes to count on

pho and po’ boy

When you order Pho Rib Eye,
It comes raw...

And you cook it by 
Placing it in the super hot Beef Broth. 

Pete brought dinner. 
It was so good. 

And then the sun came out. 
Just like that. 
It’s sunny and nice. 
Spring is coming. 
It won’t be long. 

A good nights sleep is worth everything. 

I have been imagining / visualizing 
Me just hugging and holding my 
Recently deceased family members. 
(Olivia and Paul.)

Just holding them 
When they were very much alive...
And singing to them and comforting them...
Telling them good things. 

What problem on earth 
is so big it can’t be solved?

If a mental image of someone 
Comes to mind, like a friend or a frenamy-
I hug them (mentally) as well. 

Dogs, cats, men, women- 
I’ve been hugging them all. 

I imagine me hugging them 
even back in time. 
Maybe when they were first hurt 
Or hurting. 
Maybe they were even just toddlers. 
Or little first graders. 

I know it’s just mental imagery 
But I’m sure it represents forgiveness 
On some level. 

23 February 2019

swoop accomplished

The turquoise is light sleep. 
And the red is awake

The purple is deep sleep. 
Like REM. 
The minimum requirement 
is like 1 to 2 hours a night. 

How it was when I was first using the app. 
Making progress! 

I went for a walk before work 
but I forgot to wear my watch. 
So I don’t get my “activity rings” today. 

The messy hair 
One Eyed Swoop Fashionista 
Is now accomplished. 

Time for it to go away. 

I still am on track 
But have had to take something to sleep. 

I gained 4 pounds overnight 
When Paul died. 
I guess my body turned into
A giant Prednisone tablet. 

I know it will shops away soon enough. 

I have a little “quiet time” routine. 
I listen to quiet music for about an hour
Before I go to bed. 
And I try to limit my screen time. 

I have a friend who has 
studied with Bryon Katie. 
She invited me to 
spend some time with her. 

She has a super fancy place. 
That’s peaceful and quiet. 

I might just go. 
In the meanwhile -
I’m glad for family and friends! 

22 February 2019

a maze-ing grace

Short night. 
But not bad. 
Lately, I’m glad to get any sleep. 

I woke up on Saturday 
Only to find it was really Friday! 

Yes. Today is Friday. 

Bad traffic... bad weather...
And here’s me, with my scrubs on

A nice family member offered me this. 
I ate just a handful. 
Cashews are sometimes a weakness. 

And yep. Up 4 actual pounds. 
Not possible- and yet here we are. 

My beautiful Nephew.
 RIP, dearest Paul. 
I always thought 
we would all reach out to each other
If ever we found ourselves in trouble. 
My nephews and I. 

Sometimes, they would call me for help,
Before they would call their own mom or dad. 

I still have difficulty 
Thinking about his actual death. 
I’ve gone over it and over it 
and it makes no sense. 

It’s senseless. 
People are on Twitter trying to sell footage. 
I guess that’s life in the big city. 

Me- as seen by a 5 year old artist!

21 February 2019

moving on

Medicated sleep. 

The top is a month with wine. 
The bottom is a month with no wine. 

Tried to eat this. 
The cat got it. 
Didn’t feel like eating much today. 

I did a little research. 
I found out my nephew 
Did in fact kill himself. 
In a most gruesome way. 
It was violent. 
And it was public. 
It was unthinkable. 

I feel so bad for him. 
I feel bad for my sister. 
This is not the kind of thing
You just bounce back from. 

So I cleaned. 
I cleaned and boxes up junk 
And took out junk
And just cleaned and cleaned. 

As is with most gruesome acts 
Someone caught the whole event
And put it on Twitter. 

It was very disturbing to see. 
Especially knowing it was family. 

I was the right age for “babysitting”
My nephews most every summer. 

So I grew up with these nephews
Like they were my little brothers. 

My sister is 20 years older than me, 
So her kids are my age- 
Just a bit younger.