camel hair candy

Still fasting OMAD. 

All this stress. High numbers. 

At least the HCT is back up. 

So I’m no longer dehydrated. 


My Housemate is cleaning the garage. 

Long overdue. Years of stuff. 

She tours and is gone for months 

At a time. Phantom. 

My task was to sit in the garage 

And help hand things. 

Or just provide company. 

But it was probably more 

about not isolating. 

Finally able to eat. 

This is, after all, a food blog! 

I was in charge of cooking the steaks. 

She loves the Sous Vide. 

My job was to sear them in cast iron. 

I couldn’t think of the word “sear”

And I kept saying “scare”. 

So I scared them to the next level. 

More fireworks for New Years Day. 

More gunshots. I just freeze instinctively. 

It takes hours for my shoulders to come down

When I hear that civilian noise. 

So I knew I had to do something. 

I revisited an old friend:

The anticholinercis. 

Good for sleep. 

And still no wine. 

My lack of sleep has already made me goofy. 

I read this as “Camel Hair Candies”

Instead of “Caramel Hard Candies!”

PS. I’m laughing about all these fox passes. 

Lol. 

My baby doesn’t like rain. 

She loved the rain when it got here. 

But the front before the rain made her fussy. 

Probably because she had a hard time 

with the pressure. 

I saw the radar, and was already planning what I was going to do when I got to work ... today...

Ok. Okay. 

I’ve taken care of 2 subdural hematoma kids. 

Both from child abuse and 

Traumatic Brain Injury. 

They’re still alive. 

The families (like I’ve said)

We’re not a good match so....

All these kids had that phenomenon. 

A couple of yawns or some vocalizing 

Always helps open up and “pop” their ears

And equalize the pressure. 

Her little light. 

For Christmas I got her lights. 

Lights on the bed frame. 

Lights on the ceiling. 

I think she liked it. 

Last summer I asked a friend - 

Who is also a professional photographer- 

If she would take pictures 

of the baby and her family.

I asked again after Thanksgiving. 

She said she was busy and 

going through some personal things. 

“Could we do it in January?”

I was so afraid. Afraid of this. 

I answered “I hope we can.”

And left it at that. 

I guess we all don’t follow the motto 

Of giving just a little bit more. 

Yeah yeah yeah. 

She was just practicing good self care. 

But fragile kids can’t wait. 

Say it now. 

Visit now. 

Give it now.

3, 4, 5

The parents were not for the GOP

So we all got along. That’s a plus! 

I was once talking about my Ex, 

And the Mom asked how long it had been since I had seen HER - so she already knew I was gay, and out...

And that was no hurdle for our relationship. 

In Pediatric Home Health 

It’s seldom the kids or the work 

that is a problem. It’s bonding 

With the family. 

Moms and Dads with special kids

Often don’t have the energy to be

Full of grace. 

Most of them are one step away 

from a total breakdown.

Or exhaustion. 

The Baby played with my nose,

And face, and hair! 

She could really grab and pull hard! 

We spent hours a day sitting in a rocking chair, 

and doing Baby things. 

Talking about anything 

And everything. 

And nothing at all. 

I said many times 

“If you have a problem, 

Then *I* have a problem. 

And whatever it is, we’re going to find 

a way to get through it. Together. “

My face with her on Thursday. 

Hospital on Saturday. 

Gone on Monday. 

In Hospice, we say that

Every Day Is A Gift. 

And yes. There’s so much emotional risk 

For exactly what I’m going through.

I might have mentioned, 

I’ve been asking for this position 

Since 2007. 

Turns out I’m not as tough as I thought. 

She had a very small chance  

to even be born. 

An equally small chance 

To come home from hospital. 

And like a 1% chance to live one year. 

I guess I thought I would see a sign. 

I guess I thought I would be ready. 

I guess I thought she would live forever,

And miraculously be the first baby 

To beat all the odds. 

Since she was so smart and happy. 

And in fact, somehow Devine. 

She would cry. 

My God- how she would cry!

A hallmark sign for Hospice 

Is inconsolabilty. 

Morphine and Lorazepam can’t touch it. 

Fentanyl can’t touch it. 

Drugs just knock them out 

while the angst subsides. 

With kids, you obviously have to be 

cautious with opiates. 

So we played 3,4,5. 

AKA “Stop, Look, and Listen.”

We see 3 things. 

We feel 4 things. 

And we listen for 5 things. 

The “game” takes a minute or 2. 

And it’s really just a way to 

Self regulate from break-through anxiety. 

Or whatever it’s called where 

pain and anxiety meet and overlap. 

So I see 3 things. 

That’s easy. 

I look around the room 

and see a Christmas Tree, 

I see a window. 

I look up and see your hair. 

Now we feel 4 things. 

OK. A little more challenging! 

I feel the chair. The fan. My shoes. 

And I feel your hair. 

Now comes the money shot.  

We listen for 5 things. 

I hear the music. 

I hear the clock tick tick ticking. 

I hear the heater. It just kicked on. 

I hear the beeps. So many machines. 

I hear birds outside! 

(I think they came to sing to her!)

To actively listen, 

You have to be still. 

And quiet. 

It works for a moment. 

Try it! 

If the feelings persist, 

It’s probably pain. 

So we did that often. 

I’m doing it all day. 

It makes me stop crying 

Long enough to focus 

on this exact moment in time. 

Thanks to everyone reading

Who posted comments. 

Words don’t exist to express this  grief. 

baby come back

This was a stand for her to use

Can’t sleep so I contemplate 

The origins of the universe. 

Only one conclusion is possible: 

This is Hell. 

Also this is NYE. 

The sounds of fireworks and gunshots 

Are so loud - it’s like a war zone 

Outside my window. 

Working with kids releases oxytocin

- or something-

And keeps you young. 

Playing around with the Baby 

At Children’s Medical Center. 

My brain can’t grapple the idea 

That I’ll never see her again. 

So even Hospice Nurses 

Are not immune from death. 

This was my first 

And it will be my last

 Pediatric Hospice case. 

I’ve cried for people dying.

But the shock of this 

Is nearly too much for me.

And I am in a good place 

With diet and food...