22 September 2010

life of the party

Went with the boss to a lunch presentation
(I have alot of different bosses)
Last week, at a fancy - schmansy office 

All the usual suspects were there.
Bring food if you want people to come to your meeting!

I got a round of applause from the Nurses - (yay!)
something about outstanding amount of weight lost this last year...
Half of my own peers didn't recognize me!
Odd - 
This life-preserver was just sitting there..... 
Maybe a hint from the Ever-Kind Universe?
(You DO see it there, right?)

The binge is not our friend!
I don't do well eating carbs and concentrated sweets.
Coming down from the high (yesterday's cake) 
is like a crash to me.  I know it's "only" a mood swing,
but it's very real at the time. This is how and why 
people "act out." Friendships are lost, and lives are changed.
Another great dictator of bad decisions! (as they say)


Someday I will post my morbid (obesity) story.
I didn't gain - or lose - weight the same as most people...
Except for the eating way.... oh yeah, that!

I never looked in the mirror and said,
"Crickey! It's time to lose some weight!!"

So I never dealt with the "Why" part of the plan....
until now.... And I seem to be making up for lost time!
It's hard to face an invisible foe, when it's you, yourself. 
And only you. And by that, I mean, "Only me."
It's much easier when all that hate  (or fear, or anger) 
has a target - like fat cells.
Someone or something to blame. Some enemy. 
Something external - or gross, or bad, or unwanted.
"Once (this dreadful/awful/horrible thing) is gone, 
I'll be fine/better/safe/etc."

Or so we think. Turns out to be yet another ego trick.
This one's just not about food.

Or maybe it IS about food - just this time, we try to
control it, "understand" it, or avoid it!
Food, or what food represents.

Conversely, losing weight doesn't make you 
"a better person." Better than what?
Or nice, or loved, or anything except smaller in weight!
It has it's own practical benefits. But establishing your self-worth
is not one of them. That has to be already in place, somehow.
And more or less unconditional. And not externally based.
That's why its *self* and not other-worth.

Maybe it's the ultimate binge -  a bigger form of ego pie.
Linking weight-loss to self-worth. 
Once they are linked, they are easily confused.
To think that anything outside our mind can define us.
In the body, or a person's "body of affairs."
Sounds familiar! 

I wasn't "special" then, and I'm not now, either.
And yet I want it sooo bad!
Pass the cake?
Maybe I just need more icing.
(Just kidding, of course!)


  1. girlfriend you were special then and you damn sure are special now!!! True we have to face those demons, but burying them in food isn't the answer. The why part is hard, true but I want to go on the record, you are a very special lady

  2. "So I never dealt with the "Why" part of the plan....
    until now.... And I seem to be making up for lost time!"

    You are so right. Compared to the inner work, the losing weight part is a... oh no, I almost said cake walk... sorry!! I'm really not trying to be flip. :-O

    But just as losing the weight took time, with ups and downs, this inner stuff is a process, too.. and I can tell by your writing you already know that!

    This felt like listening to someone think out loud... exploring and musing. That takes courage to shine the light inward. I applaud your courage.


  3. I am fairly new and don't "know" you well. But I think you are special! You are beautiful, funny, a talented photographer, and a very smart lady!

    But it doesn't matter what I think, YOU need to know you're special. You are so right, the weight coming off won't help with that at all...

    But that has to feel good, having an applause and people not recognize you??? C'mon, how good did that feel???? :)

  4. Well, I think you're special! :)

    That's awesome that the nurses gave you a round of applause- you deserve it! The first time I read it, I thought it said applesauce. I was like...well I guess they wanted her to eat healthy. ;)

    Great points in this post. We are the same person (in many ways) after losing weight as we were before.

  5. They wanted to give me that, too!
    But I only like Mussleman's Applesauce,
    And, ya know, that is SOOO hard to find around here!

  6. ((hugs))

    Self worth can help us become the person we want to be... but we can't wait until we are there to feel it.

  7. Self worth must be there already, for sure. Right on. You won't be special until you believe you are. I know. I was so down on myself for so many years. I can now look at myself in the eye in the mirror and I am starting to like me. Hugs to you, Anne.

  8. You are right Anne. You are not special and either am I. Because we are all wonderful beams of light, each one of us. Wanting to be special is human though. Just let your light keep shining. The world needs your light.

    Love, Robin

  9. The life preserver...how perfect! What is worth preserving? That which is True is Eternal. No defense, or fear or bravery required. I like what everyone had to say because we are all speaking from our hearts. We are following your lead Ms. Anne and we thank you.

  10. I thought the life perserver was a pizza box until you said.

    You are special. Always were. No matter what shape or size. Keep working on it until you see it. Certainly we all see it.

    It is important to accept and make peace with all versions of ourselves and realize even the fluffy selves had value and are worthy of our love. We do the best we know how at any given time with the cards dealt. That we demand perfection from ourselves is silly - its the female trap - we have to be perfect and never falter. That is a fairy tale. Reality is so much messier.

    Start by appreciating small things and begin grateful for what we often take for granted. Be grateful for what you have instead of wishing for what you don't. That's when my life really changed. That's how I found the light and happiness again.

  11. Unfortunately I drank that Kool Aid, and think of myself as lesser on the inside until I am lesser on the outside...

    Polar's Mom

  12. I think you are special and I have missed you. It is good to be back.
    I think your weight loss is fantastic, now tell me honestly is it hard to keep it off Anne? That always seems to be the hard part.....:-) Hugs

  13. I loved this post...Ive been sort of buzzing around a while and meaning to actually email you to ask you about your weight loss process and history but holding off. At first I thought it was because you probably already TOLD it here a billion times, and it would be a tad annoying...but the more I read the more I just kind of got the feeling that it was very personal. So maybe THATS why I havent clickety-clicked my questions to you in cyberspace!
    I'll keep reading and watching, cuz I love your blog. Even when you're being silly and flip there's a deepness and unique-ness about it. Glad to see you've pushed away the icky cake too!!!

  14. This post will be copied and pasted
    onto a word document
    read and reread
    saved and savored

    By crickety (love that word)
    I agree with you
    about all of it
    but have never thought
    to write it out this way

    Fun to catch up with you
    had to click on older posts
    many times
    you are a prolific
    writer and photographer


  15. So glad you found meaning and enjoyment in it!
    Thanks for the kind words, y'all.....
    *I'm blushing!*


I would love to hear from you!