22 February 2010

got it!

You look at something, and sometimes "it is what it is."
So obvious, once you see it.
And you can never be fooled or tricked again.
Because now you know!

It's a weight-loss/ life metaphor.

After several months of try, try, trying, I finally broke the code!
I got it! I get it! 
The situation that has currently vexed me the most in my life.
And I am free from the "heavy*ness" and rejection that was on top of me.
No longer humiliated by my own inadequacy to figure it all out.

It's so simple, once you step back and see it for what it is.
I might not be right - but at least the worst part is over.
Clues and cues were everywhere; I wasn't reading them.

Now the fun in life can really begin.
Fun - what a concept!
It's been a while.

Once, when I was very young, I found a padlock.
The kind with the numbers on a dial, like for a locker.
I spent all summer trying to figure out the code.

And I did, in record time.
THIS one took a while, however.
I almost quit trying. 
I have never doubted myself -
Hated myself? Until this.

It was awful and it was for real.

I didn't submit to it though.
And now, for the first time in so many months,
I slept without worrying -
Not the kind of sleep that comes from exhaustion.
But the kind that comes from forgiveness and understanding.

By that, I mean - to experience a moment of real Love
that somehow took the place of the depression of the past,
anxiety of the future, and fear of the present moment.
Without judgement.
At least on some level.
Healing, perhaps? Acceptance?
"A New Day"?

And so far, without having a reaction formation.
You know, using coping skills instead of defense mechanisms...
'Bout time!

I dreamed about Harriet Tubman last night.
Woke up singing the song "The Underground Railroad."
That was the confirmation, so to speak, that I was looking for.

Thank you kindly to everyone who has been along for my blog journey.
It was just about the best time I have ever had in my life!
True even though the journey was (at times) arduous.
Sulky at times, but sincere.
Some bright companions you are!

I bought new pants for my upcoming trip.
34 waist shorts. 
Last year, at this time, they were 44's.
Medium shirts instead of 2x.

Monster w/protein
Creatine, water
Coffee w/sf hot choc
Atkins bar
6,000 steps

Party later? :)
Pass the RockStar!

This Just In...
Three days have passed, and I still feel the same!
So perhaps it's mine to keep.
*sigh* of relief - not a sigh of longing


  1. I haven't been able to string 5 words together since ....
    can't say when!

  2. You sound so happy, and am so pleased you have lost so many inches....you must feel wonderful. Thank you for stopping by my blog, I do hope you will come back.
    Have a wonderful trip......:-) Hugs

  3. Have a wonderful trip, I am so glad you are in such a wonderful space. You have worked so hard for it Anne. Even if it is only 5 words you have always been enlightening. love ya, c

  4. Thanks, ya'll! My trip isn't actually until mid-March....
    Then I shall meet up with my California and Arizona buddies!
    *face to face* - not facebook to facebook!

    Bernie - glad to see you here, too! Don't be a stranger, eh?

    Cinner - I woke up happy today, knowing that I was loved.
    And I still have love in my heart. Spring thaws?
    The end of a spiritual winter?
    People are always doing the best they can do at the time.
    And that it is going to be ok. And it IS ok, already.

    It was either Divine Intervention / Creation or Creatine!

  5. I am so happy for you! (big smile on my face as I type)

  6. Oh it definitely makes my day even better when i know you are in a happy place :)

  7. Brilliant! Thank you for putting a smile on my face this grey, dank morning. :o)

  8. The smile on MY face has finally returned -
    so now I can really share it with you!
    SpunkySuzi - even if/when this good mood fades,
    I will at least know the problem and the answer have been
    identified and brought together -
    Insight is like a loving gift from The Universe!

  9. I am so very, very pleased to hear you so happy. Your transformation has been a wonderful experience for ME. I enjoy your blog so very much, and am looking forward to your newer, happier version. FABULOUS YOU!!!!

  10. Thanks VRaz -
    I appreciate all the support and kind words!
    I was Morbidly Obese - then just Morbid, eh?
    Now let's "bust out" with the happy!
    The non-frantic, middle-of-the-road kind....
    The kind that's - well, *happy!*

  11. Excellent. A break through. They do eventually come. Don't ever give up. YOu're worth it!

    Wow! 10 inches. That's awesome. You must be thrilled. :) Bet you're more thrilled about that recent 'get it' moment though.

    Learning to forgive ourselves seems to open a big door. So, we learn. :)

  12. Antgirl - indeed - you know me well!
    So, we learn!

  13. Congrats on your gain of insight. And loss of inches. Both are an amazing success!

  14. Thanks for the note in my blog! The protein powder was OK in my oatmeal. I wouldn't say it improved the taste of my meal, but getting the added protein is worthwhile, and I'm planning to try some other things with it.

  15. OMG! I am sooooo happy I checked my computer before I turned it off for vacation tomorrow.

    THIS IS THE GREATEST POST ANNE! I'm thrilled for you!!!! Absolutely thrilled. You've had quite a journey and I'm glad you came out smiling.

    You ARE a Rock Star!



  16. I love the
    way that you string


  17. JJ - the situation itself has not changed.
    But I have changed in how I see it - AND how it effects me.

    It was important that I came out smiling
    and nobody got hurt...
    Maybe I'm intellectualizing, but (my "but" is showing, eh?)
    I really did crave to understand!


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