3, 4, 5

The parents were not for the GOP

So we all got along. That’s a plus! 

I was once talking about my Ex, 

And the Mom asked how long it had been since I had seen HER - so she already knew I was gay, and out...

And that was no hurdle for our relationship. 

In Pediatric Home Health 

It’s seldom the kids or the work 

that is a problem. It’s bonding 

With the family. 

Moms and Dads with special kids

Often don’t have the energy to be

Full of grace. 

Most of them are one step away 

from a total breakdown.

Or exhaustion. 

The Baby played with my nose,

And face, and hair! 

She could really grab and pull hard! 

We spent hours a day sitting in a rocking chair, 

and doing Baby things. 

Talking about anything 

And everything. 

And nothing at all. 

I said many times 

“If you have a problem, 

Then *I* have a problem. 

And whatever it is, we’re going to find 

a way to get through it. Together. “

My face with her on Thursday. 

Hospital on Saturday. 

Gone on Monday. 

In Hospice, we say that

Every Day Is A Gift. 

And yes. There’s so much emotional risk 

For exactly what I’m going through.

I might have mentioned, 

I’ve been asking for this position 

Since 2007. 

Turns out I’m not as tough as I thought. 

She had a very small chance  

to even be born. 

An equally small chance 

To come home from hospital. 

And like a 1% chance to live one year. 

I guess I thought I would see a sign. 

I guess I thought I would be ready. 

I guess I thought she would live forever,

And miraculously be the first baby 

To beat all the odds. 

Since she was so smart and happy. 

And in fact, somehow Devine. 

She would cry. 

My God- how she would cry!

A hallmark sign for Hospice 

Is inconsolabilty. 

Morphine and Lorazepam can’t touch it. 

Fentanyl can’t touch it. 

Drugs just knock them out 

while the angst subsides. 

With kids, you obviously have to be 

cautious with opiates. 

So we played 3,4,5. 

AKA “Stop, Look, and Listen.”

We see 3 things. 

We feel 4 things. 

And we listen for 5 things. 

The “game” takes a minute or 2. 

And it’s really just a way to 

Self regulate from break-through anxiety. 

Or whatever it’s called where 

pain and anxiety meet and overlap. 

So I see 3 things. 

That’s easy. 

I look around the room 

and see a Christmas Tree, 

I see a window. 

I look up and see your hair. 

Now we feel 4 things. 

OK. A little more challenging! 

I feel the chair. The fan. My shoes. 

And I feel your hair. 

Now comes the money shot.  

We listen for 5 things. 

I hear the music. 

I hear the clock tick tick ticking. 

I hear the heater. It just kicked on. 

I hear the beeps. So many machines. 

I hear birds outside! 

(I think they came to sing to her!)

To actively listen, 

You have to be still. 

And quiet. 

It works for a moment. 

Try it! 

If the feelings persist, 

It’s probably pain. 

So we did that often. 

I’m doing it all day. 

It makes me stop crying 

Long enough to focus 

on this exact moment in time. 

Thanks to everyone reading

Who posted comments. 

Words don’t exist to express this  grief.