18 April 2012

midnight in the garden of good and evil

During Cross Fit yesterday,
Whilst doing Hands-Free Front Squats,
And the bar kept sliding forward...
It occurred to me that I am ..... what's that word?
"Still Stuck." That's it.

Despite my best effort, I am the slowest one in class...
Same as always. Normally I don't mind. 
This weight loss journey seems to be more about 
taming my ego - than taming my appetite....
Which, in the end, are probably one in the same.

[Cool Pic from the Interwebs]

Still, I keep falling farther behind, because the class is moving so far ahead.
And simple movements are not that simple. Jumping rope. 
Running 5 minutes without stopping. Sprinting.
I can only hold a plank for a minute or so...
This - coming from a Fattie who a year or so ago
could hardly bend down to tie my own shoes.
I once paid a guy to help carry my groceries up the steps.

I work two jobs... not easy jobs....
But then again, no one goes into Nursing to get rich quick.
I am doing the weight loss "thing," and thanks to
Atkins, and now, ZeroCarb - it's working out for me...

I'm happy, (enough) and I have a great attitude 
(at least I think I do)
I try to solve problems as they arise...
I try to see through excuses when I make them...
And not cheat - it's never worth it.... ever.
I work on Posture and Breathing and Balance - 
And all kinds of things that are so simple.
This is not a negative or self-loathing post.
I don't even use that kind of motivation on myself.

[More cool pics from the InterWebs]

I get the motivation. I really do.
But still.... Maybe fitness is like IQ or musical talent.
Sure - you can expand your limits...
But there is a stopping point where the improvements
kinda stop - or slow down - and the maintenance begins.
I don't know. 

Maybe it's like Weight-Loss itself.
How low can you go?
Do you really want to know?
And to what end?

I like a good challenge. And the growth it can bring.
I went through the Army's Basic Training at age 28.
From a completely sedentary lifestyle.
And I still wore a size 16 even then.

Oh - and speaking of weigh-ins...
I lost 5 full pounds of purest fat
according to the CrossFit scales yesterday!
And only half a pound of muscle.
Class (and weigh-in) is late in the day - at 4:30 pm
Which is the worst time to weigh - 
Plus I'm fully clothed - and hydrated.
The house scales at work showed 8 pounds loss.
Either way, I'll take it!
That - in only 3 weeks of ZeroCarb.


  1. This CF thing has kept me up at night!
    It's still totally unresolved in my mind.
    I don't like either option- quitting... or trying harder - and harder...
    Boo Hiss!

  2. I still have a hard time with classes, even after a year of boxing/kickboxing classes and bootcamps where we are doing 100 pushups in the course of a class, I still was the slowest, the first one that had to bow out of running around the building and go to a fast walk because my breathing wasn't right or the one who couldn't do the suicides as fast as everyone else. But I figure, I was there, i was giving 100% of what I had. That counts.

    1. It was suicides that we did, too.. after an hour long class....
      Everyone else was done for the day and I was still going.
      Felt like detention. Not good.

  3. I participated in a group boot camp and pushed myself to the point of injury. I switched to a different work out and never thought of it as "quitting." I too lost sleep over dreading the next day's work out and I refuse to accept that as a healthy way of living. Exercise, at least for me, is a pleasure and not punishment. I really enjoy your blog and can relate to so much of what you share.

  4. Yep I agree with the other posters. You have to enjoy it and not stress. Push yourself yes - but not to the point of diminishing your hard work!

  5. We talked a little about this when you were in LA last year-- I really think part of it-- and you know I hate saying this-- but part of it is that we're not kids anymore. Our bodies can only do so much at our age. But.... I also think it is amazing that you can plank for 60 seconds. That is VERY hard at any age. So is running nonstop for 5 minutes.

    My point is that you ARE doing the workout and that's fantastic!

    Maybe a conversation with your trainer could shed some light????

    Whatever you do-- YOU ARE A ROCK STAR, ANNE! An absolute ROCK STAR! Keep up the great work.

    xo jj

  6. Loved the pics of the naked women and the weight lifters!

  7. Dear Sweet Anne H--

    I hear you. I have concluded that my formerly obese body will never behave like a never-been-obese body, even if I abstain from overeating for another fifty years. (Unlikely, since I'm already 50 something). It's not just being older that changes physiological responses...the endocrine issues that resulted in my getting fat originally have never gone away. I'm no longer obese, but also will never have a "normal" physiology. Many of the disease processes have been arrested, though, and thus I remain very grateful. Low carb has been a salvation for me, alas not a cure.

    Much love and peace to you. (And hugs, also, if you want 'em!) :)

    --A sistah (RN)


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