lack of faith

I have lost my faith in nursing. 

Too much going on. 

It’s upside down right now. 

It’s 66° F inside. 

Day 3 with no heat. 

I am f-f-fucking cold! 

Big cramps in the bum leg. 

So during report, this pinged my phone. 

Last week, an air show crashed. 

Now this. I showed the night nurse. 

She said these words:

“Oh. Is that your house?”

*blink*blink*blink*

What? Do you think I drove my car

On top of someone’s house? 

Or they drove on my house? 

And I’m just like “Huh! That’s odd!”

Do they just not listen?

Not process? Not pay attention?

First he willing to examine 

why this bothers me.

I want people to be kind. 

And smart. And considerate. 

They often are not. 

I have an ego attachment 

To them and the outcomes.  

My attachment. 

My special relationship. 

I want to be special. 

But…I’m pretty regular. 

And I’m OK with that. 

Watching the thoughts come and go. 

It’s like a slow motion parade 

Of some cosmic insane clown posse. 

More reflux. Hiatal hernia stuff. 

It hurts so bad. Like a knife. 

The vinegar helps. 

I’m off PPI. I’m not sure it’s acid. 

Not too much acid. 

Only so many times you can say

Ho’Oponopono

Before it just gets lost in translation. 

Don’t think that because you’re nice,

And have a big heart, 

That other people will be nice back. 

And have a big heart. 

It doesn’t always follow. 

Even if it’s in their own best interest. 

At least I did my part. 

I can’t make someone do something back. 

Or feel a certain way. 

No matter how much I wish I could. 

Amen.