01 October 2009

the last recluse

On my first trip, I was stranded in the Grand Canyon. No food. Lots of stars. Treacherous beauty. Majestic silence.

After I got home from my last trip, I became stranded in my own mind. Still more stars. Awesome caverns of deep thoughts. Many questions. Which by definition, imply doubt. Vast beauty. Beyond my wildest dreams.

I've read about Reality, of course, and heard descriptions of Enlightenment and Oneness.

Wanted to buy the ticket, but didn't want to pay the price.

My personal day of Atonement came and went. Yom Kippur, after a repentant Rosh Hashanah. I don't know Hebrew; I only wrote that so you'll think I'm smarter than I am.

Last night, I dreamed I was dropped from a balcony by someone I love very much.
In the dream I was also the person who came to my own aid.
I told the person who dropped me "It's ok - no matter what happens. It's going to be ok."

So I released the outcome, and I placed it in the hands of the Infinite.
The Universe. God. What ever you call it. Love. Forgiveness.
It Is.

Very "Zen." Of course, I can say that now.

After 15+ years of earnest study,
I came to the part I had rehearsed and prepared for,
and all I could say was "What the * was that?"

Mocked, if you will, by my own blog.
"Hark, is that a cannon I hear?" That one.

Now, despite appearances, I am choosing to think that everything is really here to help. Healing.
Only in a nightmare we interpret things in a fearful way; that's why it's a nightmare!

Reading about a diet, planning, and talking about it, is easier than being on a diet. Same with this.
It was never about food. It's knowing the Truth of Who We Are. Or maybe just catching a glimpse.
And not wanting to throw it over a balcony. I thought I would rush "toward the light" if it were ever near.
Not always. Would I even know it?

"As the light comes nearer, you will rush to darkness, shrinking from the truth, sometimes retreating to the lesser forms of fear, and sometimes to stark terror. But you WILL advance, because your goal IS the advance from fear to truth." acim

Acceptance. Now is the only time there is. Release from the egoic past and future. Big concepts.

Some people I've come to know through the blogs I regard as true friends. Lifelong friends.
Some people are good for a "pep-rally" or a heart-felt consolation when times get rough.
It's all good. Thanks for all your support.

p.s. I'm only posting this because a good blogging friend reminded me that it's easy to get isolated and down... I couldn't sleep or eat - and not the "good" kind where you stay up all night blogging or chatting on the phone. Indeed - I haven't been back to work for 3 weeks. No calls, just a few emails. He suggested that perhaps my reclusive answers were not in my own best interest. I'm ready for a gentle return to a better way...

And now, to eat and sleep. I hope.


  1. I'll briefly share the advice of a wise man I used to know - a therapist, but full of wisdom nonetheless. He suggested that I do the things that felt hard. That could include such as being social, eating wholesome food, exercising, choosing charity and honesty when it may not "pay off", adopting a selfless attitude more of the time and coasting in selfish mode less often, etc.

    Crazy? Perhaps. It did come from a psychologist after all.

  2. I'm covered in a cold sweat just now posting this - so I must be doing something right! Thanks Harry.

  3. Getting caught in yourself is something that you can't help. But there's always a way out if you want to.

  4. im not a big dream interpretationer, but maybe your taking some me time to process some deep stuff. thats a profound dream. purgin' things out, like lymph on a rebounder, only psycho-spiritual lymph! psychic crossfit...groovy...sometimes group think and socializing is over rated, in too many doses.

  5. Oh my dear Anne. I had no idea you were going through a rough patch. I'm glad you posted about your struggles. And such a wise post, at that. I found this to be especially profound

    " It was never about food. It's knowing the Truth of Who We Are."

    I hope you find rest and peace.

  6. This was meant to be a *positive* post, not a cryin' post!
    I guess the two are not mutually exclusive!

    Thank you all for your supportive comments.

  7. Find the light!! That's what someone told me when I was incommunicado for a while last year. I, of course, wondered if it would be the proverbial oncoming train. It wasn't. It was the friends and family that were all trying to pry me loose from myself. You're well on your way, take it step by step. You are always so much fun to "visit".

  8. Finding the light - having a plateau on Low Carb - all these seemingly "stalling" behaviours...
    But really, going on inside is massive change - for the better.
    It just takes time to sort it out...or else the behaviour manifests itself again and again in another form.
    And who wants to remain *vexed* when the light is all around us? And it's all we ever really wanted all the time.

  9. "Finding the light - having a plateau on Low Carb - all these seemingly "stalling" behaviours...
    But really, going on inside is massive change - for the better."

    It's always easier to go down the same path we always have. Change is scary but so worth it!! :)

  10. "Wanted to buy the ticket, but didn't want to pay the price."

    Boy, that sums up this entire journey for a lot of people...

  11. Big sigh.

    I don't know Hebrew either but it IS a new year and a new chapter in the Book of Life. May this be a good year, a sweet year, and a year filled with great joy. And that wasn't a cannon your heard, it was the Shofar.

    I'm walking into the new year with you my friend.


  12. LOVED THIS POST!! Glad you are coming out of the darkness.

    So many good things were said, I don't know where to begin!

    I find it interesting that you were the only one to come to your own aid in the dream....interesting.

    Your loved!

  13. Trusting in your own abilities to survive a fall and come out OK afterwards is easier said than done, I know. But we can do it and it will be OK, it will.

    (((hugs)) and understanding on the no sleep and feeling shite thing, bah.

  14. I been a hermit. We are our own lifeline.

    I did so by avoiding the scary until I bucked myself up. I took baby steps until I felt ready. Then I started leaping.

    Wishing you healing.

  15. And Mary, you DID leap!
    Thank you all for your kind words.

  16. Imagine a kitteh with pom poms..... Just a little kitteh pep squad-er here, wanting to wish you all you need to find peace. It was a beautiful post. Please don't hide yourself "under a bushel" you have a talent, a light if you will, that needs to shine.


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