On my first trip, I was stranded in the Grand Canyon. No food. Lots of stars. Treacherous beauty. Majestic silence.
After I got home from my last trip, I became stranded in my own mind. Still more stars. Awesome caverns of deep thoughts. Many questions. Which by definition, imply doubt. Vast beauty. Beyond my wildest dreams.
I've read about Reality, of course, and heard descriptions of Enlightenment and Oneness.
Wanted to buy the ticket, but didn't want to pay the price.
My personal day of Atonement came and went. Yom Kippur, after a repentant Rosh Hashanah. I don't know Hebrew; I only wrote that so you'll think I'm smarter than I am.
Last night, I dreamed I was dropped from a balcony by someone I love very much.
In the dream I was also the person who came to my own aid.
I told the person who dropped me "It's ok - no matter what happens. It's going to be ok."
So I released the outcome, and I placed it in the hands of the Infinite.
The Universe. God. What ever you call it. Love. Forgiveness.
Very "Zen." Of course, I can say that now.
After 15+ years of earnest study,
I came to the part I had rehearsed and prepared for,
and all I could say was "What the * was that?"
Mocked, if you will, by my own blog.
"Hark, is that a cannon I hear?" That one.
Now, despite appearances, I am choosing to think that everything is really here to help. Healing.
Only in a nightmare we interpret things in a fearful way; that's why it's a nightmare!
Reading about a diet, planning, and talking about it, is easier than being on a diet. Same with this.
It was never about food. It's knowing the Truth of Who We Are. Or maybe just catching a glimpse.
And not wanting to throw it over a balcony. I thought I would rush "toward the light" if it were ever near.
Not always. Would I even know it?
"As the light comes nearer, you will rush to darkness, shrinking from the truth, sometimes retreating to the lesser forms of fear, and sometimes to stark terror. But you WILL advance, because your goal IS the advance from fear to truth." acim
Acceptance. Now is the only time there is. Release from the egoic past and future. Big concepts.
Some people I've come to know through the blogs I regard as true friends. Lifelong friends.
Some people are good for a "pep-rally" or a heart-felt consolation when times get rough.
It's all good. Thanks for all your support.
p.s. I'm only posting this because a good blogging friend reminded me that it's easy to get isolated and down... I couldn't sleep or eat - and not the "good" kind where you stay up all night blogging or chatting on the phone. Indeed - I haven't been back to work for 3 weeks. No calls, just a few emails. He suggested that perhaps my reclusive answers were not in my own best interest. I'm ready for a gentle return to a better way...
And now, to eat and sleep. I hope.