still no answer

Tons of gunshots and fireworks. 

All I want to do is stay sober,

Fast tor clarity,  and get through these days. 

This is nerve-wracking 

And I have a migraine. 

Literally everything I have and do

Reminds me of her. 

I guess I threw myself into her care. 

I got her these for Christmas. 

I finally stopped crying long enough 

to take a short nap. 

Nope- they still haven’t called 

to say it was a mistake. 

The denial is gone and 

Now I’m bargaining. 

IF she can do this-

THEN I’ll do that. 

Blood Glucose is high. 

I have had several servings of water. 

The HCT is usually in the 30’s. 

All this holiday food. 

I’m glad I’m not tempted. 

call me

You can see the exact moment

when I got the text. 

“Call me.”

That’s never good. 

Indeed. My little baby Hospice girl

Has died. 

My Love Dove. 

My heart stayed up in the bounding range

For a few hours after. 

I’m still not settled. 

Ive cried for 8 hours 

Without stopping. 

I want to go see her. 

I want to pick her up and tell her fun things. 

And sing silly songs. 

And listen to our music. 

Her little Christmas Bells. 

Death is so hard. 

Especially when it’s sudden. 

pit party

My Dear Sweet Baby 

Is in the Hospital. 

So I am off for a few days. 

I got to help with a 

Phantom of the Opera gathering -

Just 15 orchestra pit members 

All hanging out together,

Sharing stories, eating munchies. 

maximus glucoses

Remembering dear Dr Ken Wapnick 

Fashion is a Cruel Mistress 

And this is giving me a headache. 

My little Hospice Baby is is ICU. 

It’s so easy to get bonded with these patients. 

I see now why it took 20 years 

to become a Pediatric Hospice Nurse. 

You have to be old enough to be wise. 

So I have some time off this week. 

My Phantom Of The Opera 

Housemate is planning a small suere 

For some orchestra pit people. 

I was planning to stay away, 

(Since I would have been working

 early tomorrow morning,)

but now I get to attend. 

I got up super early and scrubbed the bathrooms 

And emptied the trash- that kind of stuff. 

The list of errands is never ending. 

Toothpaste. I keep needing toothpaste. 

This is why Amazon exists. 

The Sleep Study continues. 

Crappy Crappy Wine. 

And I was so tired. I thought it would work. 

No Wine. 

No Wine. No Melatonin. 

Just CBD Oil. 

Here’s some nights with no wine. 

So about 2 months of studying 

- some planned and some random -

The  thing I though was helping me sleep

It the very thing that’s keeping me awake. 

It would be like a Diabetic 

Eating Cinnamon Rolls

And thinking it helps because 

They read somewhere that Cinnamon 

Helps lower Blood Glucose! 

In a word- insanity! 

vitruvian park

A little get together 

Pete, Cher, and me. 

I gotta say. 

Pete’s Cheese Balls.

They are so dayum delishous! 

My boyfriend wholeheartedly 

Disapproves. 

wow wow

Wow!

Now THAT is a deep sleep. 

Walmart walking at its finest. 

Color coded storage bins. 

My next project. 

Too soon? 

My typical daytime resting pulse. 

Not too bad. 

About 100 days till vacation. 

I didn’t take this picture. 

But I wish I did. 

I’m probably going to get a drone 

and practice flying it. 

To take some cool shots on vacation. 

New sleep- new hope. 

Sleep is #1 

boxing day

The Apple Watch battery 

was completely drained. 

So no data. 

Too bad. It would have been a flatline. 

I slept better than I have in years. 

It’s Boxing Day 

And I got to go in an hour later. 

I got the baby a light machine. 

I put it on with some trance music. 

She was literally asleep in 3 minutes. 

So all day long I took pictures of the baby! 

Sorry I can’t share! 

What a great day. 

I look back on all the journals 

And Facebook posts. 

My ex went back and 

removed her comments 

and likes from my Facebook posts. 

Even the ones about her.

Time for some of that healing to occur. 

Ho Ho Ho!

Been fasting about 20 hours by now. 

Feels good. I think I’ll do more. 

Out with the old.