creepy dude

Housemate called and said 

I left spit on the bathroom sink

From brushing my teeth. 

1. I brush my teeth in the shower. 

2. I wasn’t even there. 

3. We share the sink. 

4. I clean up after this toddler ass every day. 

I never complain- but I should. 

Oops 

This man stole the homeowners identity 

And opened several email accounts in her name. 

So I’ve been writing to them.

With her permission. 

Hell. It was her idea! 

I say cray things like

OMG I love you and can’t wait to see you! 

😻😻😻

OMG I’m glad we’re spending the week together!

🥩🍷🦐 

I can’t wait (our relationship is strictly platonic. 

🌹🐈‍⬛🌹

The suggestive entendre 

👀 

I sat next to him and sent an email

To the stolen account and 

His phone said “ding!”

So I know he gets them all. 

I even did it twice to make sure

It wasn’t a coincidence. 

She’s making a list to take to the cops. 

He stole her car. 

He stole my credit card. 

He’s just a lazy dud dude. 

Free tattoos! 

Just get a job as a pediatric nurse 

And you’ll have a lifetime of them.